I shared last week about the journey I am on with my wife of 56 years, now in hospice care at home. We seem to be in the final stage of her life on this earth. Still, I am finding joy in serving her, caring for her, and loving her. But it is hard, the hardest work emotionally and mentally that I have ever done. There are times when I can hardly think straight. Honestly, I have been tempted to want out of this hard time, wishing we could be living in an easier and happier time of our lives together.
Have you ever wished that you lived in another period of history, or a different set of circumstances? Maybe during the COVID-19 lockdowns? You are in good company. In the Lord of the Rings trilogy, when Gandalf informs Frodo about the dark times and evil forces at work in their time, they have this interchange:
“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.
“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
In the end, Frodo did not shrink back from the challenge and the costly role he would have to play in the struggle. It is only natural to feel like giving up and running away at times, because we were made for and are destined for joy and peace. But there is a danger here. This earthly life is always a struggle, no matter what period of history we find ourselves. Life is difficult (as Scott Peck notes in The Road Less Traveled). We are in a battle; this is war. Our life is full of hardship, disappointment, loss, frustration, and confusion. We feel weary and overwhelmed at times. To try to avoid or deny real pain and trials that come our way is bad for our mental health and devastating to our character.
By God’s grace, I will not shrink away from this present challenge, this time of testing set before me. It is a day-by-day faith journey. Of course, every day is a faith journey, but the intensity of this time, makes it very clear and poignant.
The ancients had a term for turning away from challenges like this with a result of becoming mentally and spiritually lazy. It is called sloth. We don’t use this term much these days, but it is an important one. We find it in the list of “the seven deadly sins,” and it is deadly. It is a cowardly way to live, and it eats away at our soul, it is a living death. It is certainly the enemy of joy. Dorothy Sayers makes this sobering description of sloth: “It is the sin which believes in nothing, cares for nothing, seeks to know nothing, interferes with nothing, enjoys nothing, loves nothing, hates nothing, finds purpose in nothing, lives for nothing, and only remains alive because there is nothing it would die for.”
Sometimes people romanticize war, and speak of the thrill of the battle. This can be very misleading and simplistic. But in our daily spiritual warfare, we know what it is the feel the thrill of the battle, even though we did not choose this battle, we stay in the battle because it is the right struggle, and because we know how it all ends. Jesus said, “In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). And as someone said in summing up the book of Revelation, “The message is very simple and clear—God wins.”
As I travel with my wife on her final journey, I know how this will end and it is not in defeat. Oh yes, her life on this earth will come to an end. I am not in denial. But death is not the end, death is not the last word, life is the last word. And so, I will continue to bear this trial, to travel with her, joyfully loving her through her pain, her weakness, and her final breath. This is my calling at this moment. I am looking to God for grace and strength to carry on.
And yes, there is joy in ministering to my wife at this time and in this way.
